Intervention
by Rainha of Pandemonium
Summary: Crack fic on what I'd like to do to Kouga if I could somehow get into the world of Bleach during episode 251. Rated M for my gutter language.


**A.N. Okay, it's really late at night right now and I just got finished watching some Bleach episodes (which I do not own btw) and for some reason I just get really mad when Kouga starts beatin' up on Muramasa in ep 251. This fic is just a crack oneshot on what I'd like to do if I could somehow jump into their world at that exact moment and kick Kouga's ass. Hope you enjoy! Inspiration song I listened to while writing this was "Somebody I used to Know" by Gotye.**

**Intervention**

"Kouga…," Muramasa softly greeted materializing next to the insane Shinigami brandishing his sword after the mass slaughter he just got through with.

"Oh, it's just you," Kouga spoke degradingly watching Muramasa from his side vision.

"Why did you kill those innocent bystanders in Rukongai?" the Zanpakuto questioned fixating his gaze on his master.

"You see, I wanted to teach everyone in Soul Society," Kouga said simply smirking as he stared down at the bright gleam of the blade in his lap.

"Teach them what?" Muramasa questioned narrowing his eyes.

"How foolish they were to exile me from their world, and how powerless the Shinigami are against my power," Kouga answered arrogantly.

"That's why you killed harmless people who had never raised a hand against you? Do we have to do that in order to make our ideal world?" Muramasa questioned calmly as anger flared within Kouga.

"We?"

"What do you mean, we?!" Kouga growled rising to his feet and harshly grabbing his Zanpakuto.

"Don't make me laugh," he spat staring intently into the sword's eyes.

"There's no way a lowly sword could ever stand by me as an equal," he continued as a pained look crossed Muramasa's face.

"Kouga…"

"You're my sword! So be a good weapon, shut up and follow my orders!" the Shinigami yelled throwing the sword to the ground evoking a pained groan.

"You must be tired. Let's rest for a while." Muramasa spoke in what was either an effort to calm him down or switch the subject, it did not work to extinguish Kouga's anger.

"Quiet! Don't order me around, you damn sword!" Kouga spat as he began to kick the fallen Muramasa who did not even attempt to fight back.

_Meanwhile in the human world…_

"What da fuck is this?! He did not just treat his Zanpakuto like that," I spat staring agitatedly at the computer screen. After a few more moments of watching, I groaned in agony.

"I've had enough of this shit…," I breathed standing up from my chair and grabbing my coat.

"Binky! I'm going to the Soul Society!" I exclaimed in the direction of my cat sprawled out lazily on the bed.

"That Kouga will regret the day he was born," I muttered stepping into my teleporter/time machine/power amplifier held together precariously with duck tape.

Just as the wretched Kouga lifted his foot for another blow to his Zanpakuto, a strange and exciting figure busted through the back wall effectively missing the door while scattering debris and dust upon the Shinigami and Zanpakuto.

"What the hell?!" Kouga exclaimed bringing his arms defensively across his face. Muramasa stayed quietly in his hunched position on the floor.

"Who the hell are you?!" the former Kuchiki demanded pointing his sword towards the mysterious silhouette.

"Me, you ask?" I spoke waiting for the dust to clear.

"Who else would I be referring to, you…," he began before surveying my odd appearance when the dust settled.

"Y-you freak!"

"How rude! But I suppose that doesn't matter. I really came here to say…," I began my voice growing lower as I suddenly moved with inhuman speed smashing Kouga up against a nearby wall.

"What the fuck were you just doing to your Zanpakuto?!" I exclaimed angrily clamping my hand around his throat and lifting him off his feet.

Muramasa made a move to stand, and I raised my hand towards him and he instantly stilled. His turquoise eyes wide with the desire to protect his shitty master.

"What are you talking about?" Kouga spat causing me to glare at his ugly face and throw him to the floor. He hit the wood with a pained gasp. I kicked the sword away from him and then re-aimed my footwork.

"I mean this!" I shouted suddenly kicking ferocious blows to his gut causing him to spit up blood.

"Do you not have any respect for your Zanpakuto who so graciously lends you his powers and deals with your pathetic onslaughts and insecurities out of sheer loyalty?" I questioned landing one more kick to his gut before kneeling down and grabbing his collar.

"Respect? You're just as funny as that useless sword! Why should I respect a mere object?! He's just a tool for my ambitions and nothing more!" he shouted before I slammed my fist into his jaw successfully knocking out a few bloody teeth.

"You really make me sick, and right after I had such a good breakfast this morning! I bet if Muramasa wasn't so damn loyal to you, he would've wiped the floor with your sorry ass!" I exclaimed watching the blood trickle down his lips as he gave me a questioning look.

"You don't deserve such an awesome Zanpakuto like Muramasa. He's way too awesome for a scumbag like you. After the way you've treated him and after all he's done for you, I have half a mind to make you my personal bitch but until then…," I growled before suddenly clapping my hands together and changing my tone.

"Byakuya!"

The cool Shinigami quickly appeared out of nowhere.

"What is it?" the captain questioned looking over Kouga in disgust.

"Give this poor Zanpkuto our card." I ordered placing my hands on my hips as Byakuya shot me a glare.

"Since when do I take orders from you?" he questioned as I sighed.

"Fine, I'll do it!" I said before reaching into one of my many pockets and pulling out a mysterious sparking card stitched together with crazy glue. I walked over to the frozen Muramasa and snapped my fingers in front of him successfully breaking the spell I had cast earlier.

"When you're ready to ditch this loser and work with someone who will actually appreciate you, call me sometime," I spoke dropping the card in front of him before turning to leave.

I paused stepping back onto the teleporter/time machine/power amplifier and looked over my shoulder at the battered Kouga.

"If I ever see this happening again, I'll be back and next time I won't be so nice," I warned smirking at him as the machine flipped on evoking a strong wind.

"Keep that in mind, asshole."

_**End…**_


End file.
